marisag427: My story - WARNING - VERY LONG (and termination mentioned)This may by shocking for some as I never told anyone on this board this and I hope not to be flamed (but don't expect to here)... In order for me to tell my story I need to backtrack to 1985 when DH and I moved in together. DH and I hung out in high school, and though we never dated, we partied together. After we both finished high school, DH and I both dropped out of college, got an apartment together and still partied. We got mediocre jobs and were very responsible in that respect, but we got high ALOT. Pot, cocaine, LSD, mesc, mushrooms, alcohol - you name it, we enjoyed it. So where is this going? 6 months later I got pregnant. No knowing what the H to do or where to go, we went to his parents and spoke to my OB. We were told we had to make our own decisions, however we were asked the same questions - a) were we responsible enough to have a baby, and b) since DH has a sister with severe downs and I have an aunt who is mentally retarded, were we responsible enough to care for a child with special needs. Being that we were 20 and 21, very naive and irresponsible, and the fact that I had been doing serious drugs while pregnant before I knew it, the answer was no. We decided to terminate the pregnancy - I was 13 weeks. At the time we were clueless as to what that meant - I now know how precious it is to be 1 week or 2 weeks pregnant, but at the time we never thought about it. Over the years I slowly began to realize what that meant, but it really wasn't until I was pregnant with Tino that DH and I were reading the Pregnancy week-by-week that we knew what 13 weeks really meant. It was like someone dropped an anvil on or heads. I wish I could say that what we did was a revelation for us, but unfortunately it wasn't. I went on the pill, we got married a year and a half later, got better jobs, but we continued to get high in our free time. And every year on the day we terminated the pregnancy, and again in the month that our baby was due, we talk about how we made the right decision, and also about our guilt and what could have been. This year would be 16 years and yet it still seems like yesterday. Now on to another chapter. By the time I was 26 we just stopped using drugs. That was 11 years ago and when our journey to have a child began. I went off the pill and although we weren't really trying to get pregnant, we had lots of pressure from our families to have children. We figured if we had a child we'd be happy - we'd been married 4 years already and having a baby was the next step in our relationship. But we also discussed living a child-free life - the world was a violent place for bringing new life into it anyhow, there were benefits to both. But we were still young and felt we had plenty of time ahead of us. Well, after 6 years of just winging it, we knew something was wrong. DH and I sat down one night, talked about it for hours. We laughed, we talked, we cried, we hugged - and realized that both of us wanted children really bad. We were going to really try to get pregnant now. And we told everyone - big mistake. For a while, everyone asked us every month if I was pregnant, it got annoying, it got depressing, I got bad advice on what to eat, what to drink, when to have sex, when not to. No one I knew had ever gone through this - no one I knew KNEW anyone else who had gone through this. Then one day everyone stopped asking and when I tried to talk about it, people changed the subject. I only knew one couple who had gone through IF and it was a good friend from work and he was so sweet in sharing his experiences with me so that I would have someone to relate to. September 1997 - that's when all the tests began. I had never heard of an RE at the time, or at least never thought I would be one who should go to one. I mean, my sister has 3 kids - she's fertile myrtle! I went to my ob and for months they did every test imaginable for me and DH. We were diagnosed with secondary infertility since we had already succeeded to get pregnant once before. But that was many years ago and we were much older now. I read Taking Control of your fertility, began charting my temps, my cycles, I went for bloodtests, etc. - you all know the routine. In any case, after 1.5 years we still had no luck. My OB wanted us to go to an RE, but we thought that automatically meant IVF and we didn't have the money for that. I mean, DH was just starting his own business and we only had one salary. We just moved to Las Vegas where cost of living was lower so he COULD do this – and we had no savings, except some equity in our house. We've always lived day to day, paycheck to paycheck. My OB set me up for an HSG. I went for this test, but afterwards, things went wrong. I became orthostatic, basically my blood pressure dropped - I couldn't get up from the table for 2 hours after the test. DH had to come in, they wanted to hook me up to IVs and send me to the emergency room, but I wouldn't let them. I finally went home and for 3 days was in bed crying the pain was so unbearable. That was my last doctor visit for a while. I had my palm read once years earlier and the woman told me she only saw 1 child in my life. I always felt that I gave up that one child years before and thought this was my payback. This was my punishment for giving up a life years earlier. Month after month when I got my period I cried in pain, guilt and remorse. For 2 years I avoided my OB or any doctor for that matter. I missed my mammogram at 35, I missed two annual pap spears, I refused to go back. We had given up - but not for long. In January of 2001 I made a New Years Resolution I was going to get pregnant. DH had already resolved himself to living childfree, but I came back with a vengance. I had read somewhere that thyroid levels could affect fertility. I was diagnosed with Graves disease 10 years earlier. I did radiation therapy at the time and had been on Syndroid daily since then. I had brought that up to my OB and my regular physician before but they both said my TSH levels were 'normal'. Well, I did a lot of research and realized what was normal for every day life, was not normal for fertility. I sought out an endocrinologist (I had one in NY for my thyroid condition, but when I moved to Nevada, my family doctor said he could monitor and give me my prescriptions so I never sought one out). This guy finally understood what I was talking about. TSH levels in the normal range are anywhere from .5 to 5.0. However, in order to get pregnant, they should range between .5 and 2 at the highest. Mine was around 3.9. Of course, this might not have been the reason I wasn’t getting pregnant, but according to my new doctor, it couldn't be helping my situation. My medication was adjusted, but after 3 months, I still wasn't pregnant. I finally went back to my OB and asked for his recommendation on that specialist and he sent me to Dr. Shapiro here in Vegas. They had a good track record - and a good reputation so I scheduled an appointment in May. DH and I discussed what our game plan would be. We'd go for a consultation, find out what the process was and decided we'd go as far as my insurance would pay. Which was for diagnosis testing and some treatment. When the insurance stopped coverage, that’s when we would stopped treatments. We also started discussing adoption - actually we discussed adopting older children, siblings who want to stay together, as well as international adoptions. I was seeing Dr. Shapiro's assistant Dr. Daneshmund - Dr. Daneshmund is the sweetest man alive. I had never met such a compassionate, caring human being. The entire fertility center we were going to was terrific. It was the first time in my life I truly understood what my body did on a monthly basis. They really should teach you all this in high school or something. It was all about me and DH, and nothing else mattered there - the whole center was rooting for us and I felt that I finally had a cheering section. What an uplifting atmosphere. Dr. Daneshmund's website had a link to INCIID and that's when I found everyone here. I started posting right away in the IF boards and gobbled up all the information I could. Back at the drs, we did some more testing, but I had already had most standard tests done 4 years ago. I knew I was ovulating every month, but something was still amiss. My chart was marked 'undiagnosed Secondary Infertilty' and 'advanced maternal age'. That second one freaked me out - I was 36, was it really 10 years now?! He started me on clomid, 100 mg days 5-9. He wanted to see how many follicles I was producing, or something like that. It's all a blur now. Someone was looking out for us, because I got pregnant that first time - when I showed DH the pee stick we both freaked out, then high-fived and hugged. I was on cloud 9. But I was put on a slightly high risk pregnancy because of my age, because of my thyroid and because it took me so many years to get pregnant. We told our family after only 4 weeks because we really needed their support right then. They didn't know about the RE, they had just thought we had given up. We had a trip to NY planned and I couldn't fly based on drs recommendation. We had to let family know why I wasn't coming. Funny thing is, two days before we told DH's family, my MIL went to a psychic who told her I was pregnant, that something was happening that weekend and she should call me. They called and asked after 2 years of NOT asking. We had just gotten confirmation from the RE that morning and I was 4 weeks along, but we were afraid to tell anyone. Finally, 2 days later when my betas had risen, we called them back with the news. Freaky, huh? During my pregnancy DH and I were walked on eggshells the entire time. I couldn’t relax, but I felt great and I was glowing. I had a rough start with morning sickness, and then starting in my 5th month I began to have back troubles which I saw a special chiropractor for. My plan to have a natural labor and birth turned into a textbook emergency c-section, but now I could care less. Well, this turned into a novel so I'm going to end it here since you all know the rest. Tino is our miracle child and I was clueless when I first came to Inciid - about a lot of things. I had no one to turn to and the women of INCIID helped me to learn, and grow and understand more about myself and DH than I could have ever imagined. Inciid is a place I can speak freely about my difficulties with IF, and now parenthood, and not feel like a freak. I could never have made it this far with such a level head without this place. I even spoke about the earlier pregnancy on the IF boards when I first joined and really thought I'd get blasted - but instead found caring friends who threw their arms around me and told me it was okay. I only wish I had found this group years earlier. If you've gotten this long - thank you for listening. Not sure why I felt compelled to spill all that out, probably more than you care to know - but it helps with the healing. Marisa
|