caseyjamesmom: Posting my story a day early (m/c, 28 week loss...LONG, sorry)

I apologize in advance for this being so long.

DH and I met in high school in 1989, he was a Senior and I was a Junior. We dated briefly, only 2 months...but I knew he was the one I wanted to be with forever. Needless to say, he broke my heart when he broke up with me. I went through some very difficult years after that, including failing out of college, three broken engagements and a horrible eating disorder. In 1995, I had just broken up with fiancee number three and I was feeling like I needed to talk to Greg. So, I called his mom and she told me that he was living in Arizona...I was in Kansas at the time. She gave me his phone number and I called him. He asked me, “Are you married?” I said, “No.” He asked, “Do you have any children?” I said, “No.” and then he said, “Then why don’t you come and move in with me, I have always wanted you to be the Mother of my children.” I said, “Okay.” And two weeks later I was living with Greg in Arizona…we hadn’t seen each other in five years. We got engaged Memorial Weekend 1998 after we had moved back to Kansas. We were married in a beautiful church ceremony September 12, 1998...9 years to the DAY that we had our first kiss (which was noted in my high school diary). It was the happiest day of my life.

I had stopped taking birth control in October of 1997, because we knew we would want to start our family shortly after we were married and I had been on the pill for nearly 8 years. We started “officially” ttc in October 1998. After charting my bbt, counting days, etc...we were about to seek the help of a professional when we became pregnant in March 2000. I had a positive HPT and went to the OB to have this confirmed. The same day that our pregnancy was confirmed...we also found out that the pregnancy was a tubal one. I had been having pain and my OB was concerned enough to do a transvaginal u/s. I went from cloud nine to the deepest despair I had ever felt.

Or...so I thought.

We started ttc again as soon as we were given the go ahead. September 28, 2000 I took a HPT that came up positive, after 4 months of trying. I went to the OB and discovered my progesterone levels were dangerously low...8.4. My OB started me on oral supplements, but told me to prepare myself for a miscarriage. Well...the progesterone did its job I guess, and my levels increased to adequate levels.

The days, weeks and months continued to go by as we prepared for the arrival of our baby. January 04, 2001 we found out that we were going to have a boy. We couldn’t have been happier. DH and I went to a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment on March 01. The doctor came in looking very concerned. He told us that I had a significant amount of protein my urine and that my blood pressure was higher than it had ever been, 120/100. Even though he didn’t think it was really serious, he gave me the option of going home and collecting a 24-hour sample of urine or going to the hospital to be on bed rest and get the urine collected. We opted for the hospital. Keep in mind that I felt fine, and the Doctor was not at all worried about the baby. He was worried about me. He talked about the possibility of bed rest for the next 3 months and he talked about the possibility of having this baby earlier than we had planned. DH and I left for the hospital discussing the possibility of having this baby soon; we thought it would be okay. I am a social worker for the State and I have seen baby’s survive being born earlier than this baby. We also cemented our name choice that day, I think we both knew he would be here soon. We decided on “Casey James”; we love the name Casey and thought that it sounded strong. We chose the name James for a couple of reasons, first, because it would make his initials “CJ” and Greg thought it would be great to call him that when he was playing sports when he was older. Second, Greg grew up with a great guy named James; he died when he was playing soccer in college. James was so incredibly talented; he played the piano, was a wonderful artist, a great soccer goalie and was co-valedictorian of his high school class.

Never could we have imagined what was going to happen next. After spending the night at the hospital, my lab work came back...it was not good news...I was being transferred to a nearby level 3 hospital to be seen by a perinatologist. After my non-emergency ambulance ride, we arrived at the hospital, it was about 8pm March 02, 2001. We were met by the perinatologist. He started the scan on my belly and the nurse was taking my blood pressure...oh my God...it was 188/120, the nurse immediately started an IV drip of magnesium sulfate. I had developed severe eclampsia. The doctor says to me, “I knew from the lab work that you were sick, but I had no idea your baby was so sick.” I said, “What do you mean the baby’s sick? No one said anything about the baby being sick!” The doctor said that he would have to take the baby out now. It was 8:15pm. I was so scared as I was being wheeled into the operating room. I was being poked, undressed, shaved and talked to all at the same time. The flurry of doctors, nurses, and anesthesiologists made me dizzy. I looked at the anesthesiologist and asked him how long I was going to be asleep; he said I should wake up around 10pm. I had tears coming down my face and as I was being put to sleep I was saying, “I have to be awake by nine...I have to be awake by nine...my baby is going to die...I have to be awake by nine.” Casey was born just 17 minutes later at 8:32pm. They wheeled me in, bed and all, to see my little boy just minutes after I came around. He was so small, he only weighed 1 pound 4 ½ ounces...581 grams...how could that be? He should have weighed almost 3 pounds. Call it Mother’s intuition, but I think I knew that night that my baby was not going to be one of the miracle babies we all hear about and even know.

The next 6 and a half days were a whirlwind of activity. I was released from the hospital on Tuesday. I never thought that I would have to leave my baby behind, yet here we were walking out empty-handed. The next few days my husband and I spent as much time as possible at the bedside of our son. We took many pictures of him and some videotape...I’m so glad we did. On Thursday, March 08th, we had a meeting with Casey’s doctor and with the hospital social worker; we made the decision that we did not want him to suffer. We wanted him to be comfortable, and we wanted to hold him.

We were with our baby all day Thursday and around midnight the nurse suggested that we get some sleep. We returned to the grief room that the hospital had provided, and while holding each other; Greg and I cried ourselves to sleep. We were abruptly woken up at 5am by the LPN, she told us that Casey had a bad night and they had increased his vent settings again and they had started him on morphine. We went to our son’s side. The nurse placed Casey in my arms. This was the first time that I got to hold him when he wasn’t on his warming table. Almost instantly, like he was talking just to me, his oxygen level began to come down. The nurses were so surprised...they said all he needed was his mommy. All I needed was him. The next few hours go by with my husband and I holding, talking, laughing and recording everything we could about our son. At 8am, the hospital chaplain came and baptized Casey. Casey’s doctor came in shortly after that, we asked her if we could have some privacy for our last moments with Casey. She agreed and arranged for him to be moved to our grieving room, where they would take the tubes off of him and we would be able to hold him until he was gone. We held our son, and said the hardest words you can imagine, “It’s okay to go...we love you...you have been so strong...we are so proud of you...thank you for coming to see us...it’s okay to go.” Our precious boy, whom we had waited for, for so long died at 8:55 am on March 09, 2001. He was 7 days old. Again, we walked out of the hospital empty-handed.

I knew right away that I had to get pregnant again. I had to hold a baby in my arms again. I kept telling myself I would do it all again for 7 more days...but I was so scared, we both were. Our peri told us to wait six months before ttc again. We figured since it had always taken up 6 months or longer to conceive we would start as soon as I was physically comfortable...almost two cycles. It was during this time that I found Inciid, along with a few on-line bereavement websites...I stayed up for hours on the computer. Learning all I could and learning WAY too much! lol

After Casey's death we went through a lot of testing and found that I have a borderline level clotting disorder. For the next pregnancy I would have to take baby aspirin and probably progesterone again. August 7, 2001 we learned we were expecting again. I know you ladies understand the apprehension as well as the excitement. I couldn’t believe we were doing this again. This pregnancy was just wonderful...I felt for sure that everything would turn out fine (most days) I tried to stay positive as I continued to grieve the death of Casey. We had many ultrasounds during this pregnancy and I saw the same peri who delivered Casey…it brought me a sense of comfort to know that he “knew” me. He knew why I was a mess some days…he knew why I was so very scared. He had held my sweet baby, Casey, and he had cried with us when he died. On February 14, 2002 I went to a regular visit and was admitted to the hospital with mild pre-eclampsia…I was 32 weeks. On Casey’s birthday and on his one year Heaven day…I laid in the same hospital where he was born. Unable to do the things I wanted to, in order to celebrate his special days…it was so hard. I asked that the nurses leave me alone on those days and they let me monitor myself. DH and I spent a lot of both days crying and listening to Griffin’s heartbeat and movements on the NST machine…his heartbeat was my source of strength. We scheduled a c-section for Monday, March 18th. (I had a vertical cut during the emergency delivery of Casey, so I will never get to experience labor.) I was awake for Griffin’s birth and still don’t know if that was a good thing. (I was asleep for Casey’s) They had a lot of trouble getting Griffin out...the cord was wrapped around his waist and I had severe scar tissue build up that made an additional cut necessary to get Griffin out. When he was finally out they held him up so I could see him and his face was purple...I started crying hysterically…he was dead…he looks just like Casey did the last time I saw him...I kept saying these things over and over...then he cried! I thought for a minute that I was dreaming. The Dr. kept telling me he was not dead his face was just bruised. I wish I could say that it was the happiest day of my life…but I was still not convinced this baby was going to come home with me.

Griffin was 4 weeks early and weighed 6 pounds and 10 ounces...he dropped to 5 pounds 7 ounces due to the severe jaundice...but he got to come home with us 4 days later, along with a billirubin light to keep his jaundice down. After spending 40 days in the hospital, I spent the first 4 days at home sleeping on the couch, right next to the pack and play where Griffin was hooked up to the wallaby blanket...the blanket had a three foot lead on it, so we couldn’t go far to feed him, change him, etc... we weren’t even supposed to take it off of him. We were diligent about this. I continued trying to breastfeed him, and when he wouldn’t eat I would pump my breastmilk...once his jaundice was gone he started eating better, but we never mastered the art of breastfeeding.

Griffin is a great baby. He has such a sweet disposition, and I know that he was hand picked for us by Casey. My heart breaks as I sit and write these words, some things are so unfair. I want Griffin to have a sibling...a living sibling...but he never will. My husband made sure of that on June 20, 2001...when he had a vasectomy against my wishes. I truly thought that I might end my marriage over that. The act of this sent me into a deep depression, which I believe was already bad due to PPD. I started on medication for my depression and have just recently stopped taking it. I am starting to feel like my old self again. I am starting to resign myself to this life...a life as a mother to three children...one who I watch over and two who watch over me.

Rhonda & Griffin 03-18-02 (5 months old today)

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