Tampnp: My story...a little late! (OMG....this got SOOO long!!!)

I wanted to post my story last week on the 20th, but Olivia was pretty sick with a bad cold and I just couldn't get to the computer. So, here it is a little late.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom! I started babysitting when I was 9 and continued to do so through college, if you can believe that! I have always loved kids and borrowed my friends kids on a regular basis......always longing for my own. Since my early 20's I have always said that if I got to be 35 years old, wasn't married and had no prospects, I was going to go to a sperm bank and use a turkey baster! Well....on my 35th birthday, I, indeed, was not married and had no prospects, so I began to seriously toy with the idea of single motherhood. To be honest, I have never really had a desire to be a wife, but definitely have had the desire to be a mom. I was living in Houston, TX at the time and working at a great hospital, but my job was my life! I had no time for anything else. I decided that there was much more to life than that and started looking for a job in Sacramento, CA near my family. One day, when I had had it with my boss, I called my mom in tears and said I just had to leave. My sister had connections at the hospital she worked at and she went right over to the pediatric oncology clinic and asked the doctors if they could use a pediatric nurse practitioner in their practice. Much to her surprise, they said they had just decided that they wanted to hire one and to have me call them!! Long story short, I got the job and moved to CA in May of 1998. I then decided that I wanted to buy a house and lose weight before having a baby. BUT, I did go see a nurse practitioner in OB and talked to her about my plan. She was very supportive and ran a baseline FSH and LH on me (which were normal) and said to call her when I was ready. Fast forward to Jan. 2000......I had lost 52 pounds on weight watchers, owned a home and was ready to start. I'll never forget the day of my first insemination.....it was my grandparents anniversary (they had both died, though) and I felt sure that that was my lucky day. I did the silliest thing!! I took a picture of me and my dog and the tank that the sperm was in and said it was my first family portrait!! Well, 8 days later I was devastated when AF arrived. Little did I know that that was the first of many devastating months. I wondered why my cycle was so short and asked about a luteal phase defect and was put on progesterone for the rest of my cycles. My biggest fear had always been that I would not be able to have a child!! Anyway, I went through 2 more inseminations in Feb. and March without medications and then did 3 cycles using Clomid (without monitoring)and they were all negative. I found INCIID sometime in that period when I was on Clomid and it was a lifesaver. I never did post much, but was a faithful lurker and learned a TON!! On the third Clomid cycle, my NP had talked to the MD and they decided to schedule me for a lap. and do a Clomid Challenge Test. So, I was on 100mg of Clomid (was previously on 50mg)for how ever many days you are on Clomid (can you believe I forget that detail?) and had the labs. done, etc. Well, those results were bad. My FSH was 10 on day 3 and 12 on Day 10. I was told I had a <4% chance of conceiving with my own eggs! I have never felt such devastation in my life!!! Because I work in the same organization as my OB and NP, I got this news by e-mail right before I was ready to leave work. I was going out to dinner with my friend that night and didn't even make it to the car before I was sobbing to her and telling her my news. I cried throughout dinner. Then, when I got home I called my mom and could barely talk! She called 2 of my close friends and they all 3 came over. One of those friends had suffered 10 years of infertility about 20-30 years ago and she was really the only one I wanted to talk to because I felt like she understood! My mom, bless her heart, was devastated too and didn't know what to do to help me. I cried for 2-3 days straight.....stayed home from work and just crawled into myself. I then did research online and then went into denial. Oh....and when I found out about the high FSH, I cancelled my lap. So...back to denial. Denial can sometimes be a good thing.....I just couldn't face the pain. I decided that "they" were wrong and I would get pregnant. So, luckily, my HMO had just hired a great RE from a nearby university hospital. Because I work there, I got an appt. quickly and met with him in August. He was also very grim, but was willing to let me try injectible drugs. He wanted to do an HSG and then a lap. before trying the drugs. He suspected that I had an endometrioma on one of my ovaries from an u/s that he had done. So, HSG also showed that I most likely had an endometrioma on my left ovary. At my preop appt. for the lap he said that there was a 50/50 chance of finding nothing and he thought there wasn't going to be any endometriosis. Well, it turns out I was in the OR for 2 1/2 hours and had endometriosis on my bladder, uterus, and a HUGE endometrioma on my left ovary (a chocolate cyst he said). He said it was stg. III and could have definitely affected my fertility since my ovaries were attached to my abdominal wall and not even close to the tubes! SO.....I was right, I thought!! I will get pregnant. I decided I would try 4 cycles of drugs before moving on to another option. After the 3rd failed cycle (had to rest between each cycle because of cysts....so it was 6 months later now) I decided I could not handle the heartache anymore and bailed on the 4th cycle. I had some pretty crappy experiences with a couple of the doctors during this time. One of them takes the cake, though, so I'll share it here. I went in for my day 2 u/s to see if I could start the 3rd cycle and there was a cyst. I sort of expected it, so I wasn't too upset. Anyway, the doctor says to me, "Well, some people have gotten pregnant on a rest cycle". I told him that I was doing this as a single person, so that would not happen for me. He then said, "Well, I wouldn't go out on the street corner and pick up someone to try with!!" I was shocked!! I told him I was not like that. Anyway, I'm sitting there and he starts to clean "Mr. Wand" and while he's doing it he has this running conversation with himself...."Hey mommy....who's my daddy? Daddy's number 5207 honey. He's ttthhhiisss big (as he's making motions with his fingers indicating a vial of sperm)!" I absolutely could not believe it!!! I left there so upset!! I called my therapist to tell her what had happened and we talked for awhile. I called my NP on Monday (this happened over the weekend) and she said she was afraid something like that had happened when she saw that I had seen him over the weekend. She encouraged me to write a letter, so I did. I sent it to the head of the department, my RE, the offending physician, and my NP. I got a written apology from the MD, but I know he was just forced to write it. He said that he knew I was disappointed about having to wait a cycle and he was trying to cheer me up! WHATEVER!!!! Anyway, he no longer works in the infertility clinic. I'm pretty sure they were trying to get rid of him already, but I was glad that I wrote the letter. I digress!!! I wanted to say that I started seeing a therapist who specializes in infertility the same month I got my high FSH diagnosis. She was wonderful and I credit her with saving my life through all of this. She, too, is a single mother by choice. She adopted her daughter from Guatemala. I felt an instant connection with her. After my lap. I was feeling really hopeful and stopped seeing her. After the 3rd failed injectible cycle I hit rock bottom and called her....she saw me right away and that was the beginning of my grieving process. In Feb. of 2001 I attended an adoption seminar put on by RESOLVE. It was awesome!!! I came away from there with a lot of hope. I still knew that I couldn't afford adoption, but I learned about embryo donation at that seminar!! I started researching that and felt it could be an option for me. My therapist and I talked a lot about it. I got on the waiting list at Cooper Center in NJ and right after my 3rd failed cycle I picked some embryos. I was very lucky to receive 10 embryos the first time I picked! However, they were from 3 different couples. In my desperation to continue my quest for a child, I said to myself that I didn't care that they were from 3 different couples. After talking with my therapist I realized that I DID care about that because I wanted to be able to give my child SOME medical information regarding his/her genetics. So I turned those embryos down. In hindsight that was the best decision I made, because I really had not let go of the dream of a biological child yet and had to work on that. I went into a deep depression. I could barely get out of bed in the morning and go to work. When I woke up, I'd say to myself.....oh my god! Another day! One night I wanted to just get completely drunk......SO not like me (have never been truly drunk in my life!). I also wondered about some of the pills in my medicine cabinet. I really didn't want to end my life....I just wanted the pain and devastation to go away. Those feelings scared me!! I went back to my therapist and she was really worried about me! She wanted to see me weekly for awhile and more often if I started feeling worse. I had actually started on Paxil in Dec. 2000 because I could not get through the holidays!! Anyway, I spent most of the next several sessions sobbing in her office. She was so comforting to me, though, because she just let me do that! It was the only place I felt I could truly let go and cry. I did some artwork at that time to put my feelings into a picture. I eventually started to come out of the depression and was starting to feel hopeful again. The new list from Cooper's had come out, I picked some embryos, and I got the call that 9 of them were being offered to me.....all from one couple!! I was ecstatic!! I told my therapist that I wanted to have some sort of ritual to let go of the biological child and open myself up to whatever soul was to come to me. She thought that was a great idea and said she would come. I had my therapist, my pastor, and my friend who had gone through infertility many years ago (she turned out to be my rock through all of this....I could call her at anytime and often did in tears!)with me in my backyard. I also had another close friend come and be inconspicuous and take pictures for me. I set up a little altar and lit a candle. I had 9 balloons to release representing the number of times I had tried to get pregnant. I had written a letter to the child of my dreams which my therapist read. My pastor said some words, and my friend shared some passages from several books that I had read which dealt with the feelings surrounding infertility. While the talking was going on, the balloons really started to blow at one point. I didn't know at the time that one had escaped. Anyway, I played the song, "Somewhere, Out There" from the movie "An American Tail" and released the balloons. It was at that time that I realized one of the orange balloons had escaped. My pastor said, "That is the soul that is to come to you....it left early to prepare." It was a very healing service. That was on June 28th. I left for New Jersey with my mom on July 4th. We got to see fireworks across several states from the airplane. My mom and I stayed with Jersey-Jen and her DH!! What a great thing that was!! They were very generous hosts and we felt so comfortable there! Jen and I had not really even posted much to each other, but we were both on the WR at that time. I had my transfer of 4 embryos on July 5th. From the time I saw the picture of my embryos, I knew they were "mine"! I also decided that I was pregnant until proven otherwise. I was remarkably calm and confident from that time on. I was on bedrest for 2 days, and then my mom and I did some sightseeing in Philly and went to the shore at Cape May. We had a great time! We flew home on July 9th. I wasn't supposed to test until AT LEAST 7/16. Well, since I work in a clinic, I drew my own blood (which I had been doing all along!) and sent it for a beta on Sat. July 14th. I was a wreck waiting for the results. I sent it "stat" so it was back in 2 hours and it was 12!!!(9dp3dt) I was totally shaking at the computer when I saw the results!

I did not know what to do with good news!!! I knew 12 was low, but I seriously was not concerned one bit. I was pregnant!!!!!! Fast forward.......I chose not to have an amnio or even do the AFP test even though the donor mom was 35. I felt totally confident that things were fine. I also did not want to know the sex of the baby. My pregnancy was relatively easy.....although my family and friends would tell you otherwise. I didn't care about any of the discomforts of pregnancy....I was happy to have them!! I was taken off work early on Feb. 14th due to high blood pressure and protein in my urine (pre-eclampsia). I had to have non-stress tests twice a week.....what a pain!! My baby did not cooperate with those tests, so I was usually there for several hours, while many women came and went in 20-30 minutes!! I even went to L&D once for a stress test.....had to get the IV and pitocin and everything turned out fine. I went for my non-stress test on 3/19 and had protein in my urine, my blood pressure was up much more than it had been and the baby had a decreased heartrate with one of my contractions.....I knew I had won another trip to L&D. This time, I decided I was staying. I called my coach and my mom and my sister. They hooked me up to the monitor and decided to just watch me for awhile. They finally decided that they needed to keep me and induce. I won't go through the gory details, but will just say after an excruciating attempt at breaking my water (which was finally successful on the 4th try! with my cervix at 1 1/2 cm.!) I got an epidural!!! I tried to sleep that night but couldn't because I was so wound up. I really wanted a vaginal delivery!! I fought it until 3p.m. on the 20th (24 hours after the start of Pitocin) and then finally gave in because I just had to have something to drink and I knew I could after I had the baby!! I was crying so hard because I was scared about the C-section, I was tired, and I couldn't believe that I was going to be a mom in a matter of minutes!!!! My pastor was there and was so comforting to me! All of a sudden I was questioning the health of my baby since I hadn't done an amnio or AFP test....I was sort of freaking out. She reassured me that I would love the baby no matter what! My mom and coach were there, but they said that probably only one person could be in the OR with me! I was bawling!! I talked to my mom alone and told her I didn't want to hurt my coach's feelings, but if only one person could be with me I wanted it to be her because she could take pictures for me! I was already feeling so cheated out of a vaginal delivery....I wondered why just one part of this process couldn't go right for me! I just had to have pictures of my child coming into this world! Anyway, they let them both be in the room with me and it was incredible. I was sobbing before they even started to cut me! I kept saying, "MOM!!! I can't believe I'm going to be a mom!! I've waited so long for this! I just wish grandma could be here to see my baby!" I had asked the doctors not to shout out the sex of the baby, but to bring the baby around the curtain so I could be the one to see it with my own eyes........A GIRL!!!!! I had always wanted a girl!!! I was sobbing again along with my mom and my coach!!!! Olivia Marie (Marie was my grandma's middle name) was absolutely beautiful and I couldn't believe she was mine!!! When I was wheeled into the recovery room, I was greeted by 10 of my friends and family!!! I couldn't believe they had let them all in. Everyone was overjoyed!! My pastor was there.....it was very special for her because she was not able to have children!! She was thrilled to be a part of this birth and to see Olivia when she was only "minutes" old!! She tells everyone about it still to this day! My baby girl arrived on the first day of Spring.

Motherhood is everything I dreamed it would be and SOOOO much more!!! I have never been happier in my life!! It obviously shows because all of my friends say that I am just glowing now and that I radiate happiness. Olivia is such a great baby....she has a great disposition and is happy almost all the time. I wake her to nurse at 6:30 in the morning before I go to work and when she's done, (I'm usually dozing) she makes a little noise and I open my eyes to her looking up at me with a huge smile on her face!!! What can be better than that?

Thanks for reading this!

Tammy

Back to Our Stories