TameraP: My story! (losses mentioned) Long sorry...My story begins like so many of ours...I arried DH 8 years ago on Tuesday. We both were very ready for marriage and decided we wanted to start a family right away. My maid of honor just announced she was pregnant and I thought, let's get pregnant and be pregnant together! OH how naive I was. Well, we tried like crazy that first month the way only newlyweds can do and I was floored two weeks later to realize I was indeed pregnant. After 10 years on the pill I thought for sure it would take a couple of months at least. So, everything is hunky dory and I am living in pregnancy bliss (or rather Lala Land!). Well, my friend calls me to tell that she is rushign to the hospital and thinks she is losing the baby as she is hemmoraghing. I am freaked and feel so guilty that she might be losing her baby and I am still preggo. I did not know what to say. Well, all turned out fine for her. I went to my appt the following week, and at 11 1/2 weeks they could not hear a heartbeat. Sent me to Radiology for an US and got slapped straight in the face...well not iterally but might as well have been. At first they thought I had twins, then twins with no heartbeat and then I will never forget how everyne came rushing in...radiologists, specialists, doctors, monitors are turned away from me. I already know my baby has died but something else is obviously going on. They send me upstairs to my doctor. They suspect a Molar Pregnanacy (which is a Fuzzy tumor basically). They want to do a D&C right away. I do. Then I find out it was a partial Molar Pregnancy and there was a baby who did not survive. Then the bad news. We cannot even try to get pregnant again for another year as this can grow back as CANCER! Shit! I was only 28 years old! This kind of pg occurs in 1 in 2000 women usually over age 40. My first expe4rience with being on the butt end of the odds. I have a year of intensive testing and lots of bloodwork... Onto pregnancy #2! A year later we get the go ahead to try again! Well, 2 months later thankfully we are pregnant. Everything is great. I do all the early bloodwork. Hold my breath for each beta count and finally see a beautiful heartbeat at 6 1/2 weeks! Then again, at 11 1/2 weeks Iam on the table with a Doppler on my belly...again no fetal hearttones. Doctor is not worried at all (rememebr we had already seen the heartbeat and the odds are so low to lose after tan..yeah right! So this time they do an in office ultrasound and there is my beautiful bean shaped baby dead on the monitor. I knew the moment I saw. I was devastated! Another strike??? So this time, I have another D&C and am pissed off at everything. Even God and I had a huge talk and I was beyond reasoning. During all of this time I lose my two treasured grandparents, a friend of the family dies and I swear, my emotions are simply raw...then we have an oops and I am pregnant for the third time and I am a nervous wreck!! Same bloodwork, same betas, and same initial u/s. This time though I stop flying immediately. Then at 8 weeks I am at a party and begin to spot...jsut a little but exactly the same as last. I am freaked and run to ER. Trying to get an u/s out of them was like pulling teeth but there is that beautiful hb again. Then I continue to spot horribly for 2 more weeks....then finalyy on March 4th, 1997 I am a Mommy! I cried tears of joy when I felt the presence of my other two angel babies looking down on this little soul. So, this is all behind me right??? When Madison is 10 months old, we get pregnant again (Ok, ladies I feel bad I get pregnant easily and feel like such a fraud even writing my story...please forgive me!) this time I am so freaked out about the timing...etc and then at 8 weeks lose the baby. Then I start dealing with feelings of guilt, wondering what the heck is wrong with my body! Why am I losing all my babies and start to do an Internet search. I find INCIID and the miscarriage support boards that were mediated by Dr. Carrie Salafia. I realized how much I have mourned these lost souls and how manyother women out there were suffering right along with me. What a network. Well, 2 months later I am pregnant again and lose another baby at 6 weeks and by this point, I am armed with information and an education from these baord and decide it is time to start testing. I decide for safe measure to take baby aspirin my next pregnancy. I decided to have a heart to heart with OB. I set up a consultation with doctor...and we schedule tests. AS a precaution she does a pregnancy test and lo and behold I am pregnant for the 6th time. This time, I have my pregnancy with a bunch of other women who are nervous wrecks right here on INCIID!!!! What an amazing support network. I had never really discussed anything at length with anyone and everyone tought I was making too much of everything. I think they just didn't know what to say to me. So I had this group of women who knew exactly and more. Well, I will never forget the support that board gave me. May 20, 1999 I had the priveledge of being a Mother again. Samantha came into our lives. This time things between DH and I were HORRIBLE and I had all my wonderful CYBER friends to lift me up. Well, I found out when Sammi was 6 weeks old, that DH had been having an affair for 6 months! Ladies, the outpouring of support, and love, and friendship that was shown to me on an Internet based board overwhelmed me to no end! I felt God using these people to lift me and sustain me and I thank God they were there. Fast forward a bit, DH and I decide to work things out and work hard at it we did...and still do. It is behind us and here I start feeling as though I would like a third a final baby. DH was not so sure. Could we survive another pregnancy? Did we want all the nerves and stress...I did not feel done though. Terrible isn't it? But then things were rocky once again and I decided that DH needed to move out as things were not going well with us. Well, God decided that was not what we needed and my hubby stayed home on Memorial Day of 2001 and Spencer was conceived. I was a wreck as usual, I quit flying, I took all the tests...his betas were even stronger than the girls. All was well, and Ihad you ladies with me! Well, 6 months ago today I held my beautiful son, Spencer James, named after his grandfathers. This child saved our life truly. He has completed our family and has added so much from the beginning. DH and I truly recommitted ourselves to our marriage and our life as a family and I have had you wonderful women to share with. I applaud each of your triumphs and cry with you when you struggle. I have found this to be one of the safest places I know and feel privileged to be a part of you. I feel a bit of a fraud however remind myself that recurrent miscarriage is a form of Infertility. I admire you all so much. If you have made it this far...good for you! LOL. Thanks again. Tamera |