MCL1: Blake's story......(losses, sibling mentioned)Here is our story....Hopefully you will understand why I joined this bb so late in the game! Thanks for the warm welcome, wonderful advice, and kindness you have shown me. You ladies are great and I wish I would have had the courage (sense?) to join you all earlier! Michele ************************************ In December of 1992 I went off the pill in hopes of getting pg. I laugh now thinking how dh and I scheduled a dr visit to talk about getting pg, going off the pill, how long to wait before ttc, etc. Yeah- like I would ever have any control over ttc!. We started out great - pg the very first cycle we tried! At my 8-week OB visit we heard the heartbeat (in retrospect, I wonder if it really was the baby’s hb so early but that’s what they told me). At 12 weeks, I went in and no hb was found. They quickly moved me to a room to do an US and didn’t let me see the monitor. I had to wait for the dr. (who didn’t come down the hallway with us for the US.) When the dr came in he told me the baby had died and I just immediately cried. He looked uncomfortable and said he would step out and “give me a minute to collect myself”. This was my first experience with people’s discomfort regarding mc. (and he was a professional for heavens sake!). I never had any cramping or bleeding - I had a D&C in mid-May 1993. We decided we were unlucky like many other couples but we were excited by the fact that we got pg so easily. Back on the bandwagon! We tried again in the fall and the first cycle resulted in….AF! Oh well, maybe next time. Then 4 days later my period seemed to resume. At the second day of this I called the dr and got tested. The beta was around 300. I must have been pg and mc’d naturally – loss #2. Then in 1994, I got pg in June but by the end of July the sonogram showed no hb and another D&C was planned – loss #3. Now my HMO would do some testing – basic bloodwork and an HSG – nothing found – recurrent mc, diagnosis unknown. After my second mc I really became worried. After my third I was so terribly depressed and confused. Why wasn’t this working? What was wrong? And of course, why me? People really cannot talk about miscarriage. Family and friends no longer asked me how I was doing or if I was OK but would talk about others pregnancies or (worse yet) others infertility seemingly without remembering my own difficulties. I have never felt so isolated in my life. This was an all-consuming thing in our life and dh and I had to deal with it alone. I just felt so hopeless and my work was suffering terribly. Finally, it got to the point were I felt that I had to tell my boss who was also a friend. He motivated me to help myself and I began to learn everything I could about recurrent mc. I got an appt. with an RE at a top-notch clinic but I had to wait 6 months to get in... finally DH and I underwent thorough testing - but still nothing was found. With the RE, we decided to try clomid and progesterone, just to try something. We got pg on our 4th (unmonitored) cycle and (OMG) in May 1996, my daughter was born after a wonderfully uneventful pg. She is now 6 and is a great kid! After my daughter turned 2, we start talking about another child. We now knew of course what we needed to do to get pg. It would all be so simple – clomid and prog. (LOL!) The RE had never talked to us about future pregnancies and we were so naïve! Well after 6 cycles of clomid and prog this time I became pg. At 6 weeks, we found the fetal pole by US and measurements were right on target! At 8 weeks, they could not yet find a hb and there was only 2 days growth in those 2 weeks. Growth eventually stopped - another D&C – loss #4. By January of 2000 I am pg again but 2.5 weeks after testing +, I am bleeding and cramping and have lost my 5th baby. In the last appt with this RE, he had said to me, “you know, it might be the rule for your body that you are not supposed to be able to carry a baby to term and you just got really lucky one time” Ouch! Even if that is the truth, what a horrible way to say it! At this point, I found INCIID, RESOLVE, and a fantastic therapist specializing in IF. I changed REs and this time we tried timed bd with an HCG trigger for 4 months – no pg. Usually, my RE would do a beta on 14 days past trigger. One cycle I was out of town though so I missed that day and got tested 3 days later (still no AF). I was excited but tried to control it. The beta came back at 9! What was that??? The RE didn’t call it anything. Chemical pg? Lab error? Left-over from trigger? After this we stepped up to injectibles/IUI (without having insurance coverage for this). Well, three months and no pregnancy. Now it seemed like I couldn’t even get pg and I had turned 40! Things were once again bad. During the course of treatment with this new RE, I had contacted Dr. Salafia from INCIID and she evaluated tissue samples from 3 of my mcs. She didn’t find anything conclusive (or even suggestive for that matter). I was so tired of getting no results from any of the testing on myself or my dh. I had also had a chart review for immunological problems by the Chicago group but for many reasons did not pursue that. At the same time, dh and I had decided to return West where we had met and married and still had some extended family. We agreed to stop ttc and I stopped seeing my RE in April 2001 after my last failed injectible/IUI cycle. In June we moved cross-country and I had AF during the drive – secretly I had wished I would be one of those people who stop treatment and then find out they are pg on their own. Oh well, I was busy enough and excited to be moving that it was OK. In our new neighborhood, I started to have terrible depression about never having another child and I felt guilty that I wasn’t satisfied with the miracle child we already had. I was under some stress at the time with the move and my feelings so when AF didn’t show up on time I didn’t figure it meant anything. Heck, I went for a whole year one time with no AF when I was in my 20’s!Well, more time went by and AF still didn’t come. Finally after 6.5 weeks I actually bought a pg test even though I didn’t feel pg. It was +! I could not believe it! I had to find a new dr in a new city – I lucked into a great practice. I was a wreck at their office my first visit because I had to go through my whole history for them. I got my blood drawn and the next day they called me with the news that my beta was 240,000! WHAT?!? I couldn’t even understand that. I had an US and there was Blake moving his little arms and legs – I was 10weeks pg already!!! The measurements were entirely consistent with my last AF happening while pg.- I had become pg that first cycle after treatment after all! The best part was that everything was on target and I was SO far through my first trimester. I only had a short time to go instead of weeks and weeks of worry. I rented a BabyBeat and used it a lot! My docs said not to worry and that they would do an US any time I wanted just for my sanity. At my 12-week appointment, the dr was giving me the rundown of future visits, tests, etc. and I just shut down. She stopped and asked me what was wrong. I said to her “You are talking as if I am actually going to HAVE this baby” and then I broke down crying. She put her arm around me and said “You will”. I get the goosebumps thinking about it. I had two episodes of bleeding at weeks 14 and 16. I never felt I could join the “Pg, due Feb” board because I still wasn’t sure it would happen and I think I felt I would “jinx” my pregnancy. It took until about my 7th month of pregnancy to feel like it was really going to happen. People kept asking me if we had worked on the nursery or chosen a name but we didn’t do these things until right at the end and I think it was kind-of a “denial” or self-protection thing. Well, we got it together and Blake was born after an excellent delivery. We brought him home at the start of a serious snowstorm but we made it safe and sound. We fought jaundice and reflux in the early weeks/months but we are doing great and he is my little man! Thanks for reading! |