Lambie: Extremely long story: My journey to mommyhood (m/c ment)

I did not suffer as much IF as many ladies here, but I can share in the joy of motherhood with you all. This turned out very long so if you don’t want to read it all know that it all turned out wonderful in the end with the arrival of my baby Grayson : ) Thanks Joanne for encouraging us to do this.

My Story

Dh and I met on a blind date Aug 2, 1995. His secretary set us up. After our second date I told my mother and sister that I would marry this man. I just didn’t tell him that. It took him a while longer to realize he wanted to marry me. We were engaged by Christmas and married the following May. I was 27 and he was 34. We wanted children but not yet. Dh was hearing his clock louder than I was. We talked more about it for a couple of years and I could tell dh was very ready although I was very hesitant. It was not that I did not have the picture in my mind that I would have kids and grandkids, etc. I was just too scared to make the jump. It was such a huge responsibility. I also have lots of issues with death that plague me since my father died when I was 17. So I just could not make the decision to get off the pill. Finally I agreed that for my 30th birthday we would start. We told no one, but I consulted my ob/gyn. I went off the pill and was afraid I would get pregnant that month so I insisted on condoms for a while to detox from the pills (although the doc had said the first few months would be the best chance). Dh finally tired of that and I remember the first time we had unprotected sex I just cried. How romantic I was :(

6 months later nothing had happened so I thought we should check again with my ob/gyn, sure that he would have the answer.

In Feb 99 I started charting temps. He must have given me a chart. Sometime around then dh found TCOYF and read it. I read it after him and was just amazed at the things I did not know. I said I would chart and check cm but I was not sticking my finger up anywhere to check my cervix! I was rebellious. By October, nothing had happened. Months of perfectly timed intercourse had gone by and we were frustrated. So I was given Clomid for my 31st birthday and progesterone was tested but that was all. I didn’t have u/s monitoring; I didn’t even know about it. I had an HSG in mid-Nov and really began feeling sorry for myself. DH walked in late right after it was administered and right after I had almost yanked the nurses arm off from the excruciating pain. I thought I was quite the trooper for having endured that alone. I had not been warned of the extreme pain and so that episode scared me off of further tests for a while. The HSG showed normal tubes.

The next Feb had been a year of tx under care of my ob/gyn with temps, clomid, ovulation predictors, etc so we got a referral to an RE (1 1/2 hrs away).

He immediately could tell I had been ovulating from my charts so he said I should not have been on Clomid. So we had to wait a few months to detox and get better cm again.

Much to my surprise that April (Easter) I had a positive test. I did not tell dh since he was out of town on business (no, he had been there earlier that month!). I had a test at the ob/gyn office and confirmed the pregnancy. I was so elated. We were due Christmas. I told no one. I went shopping with a friend who had just had a grandchild from an oops. She bought a stuffed puppy and I bought a pink Lambie. I did not tell her why. Dh got home and I met him at the airport with a picnic. We went to the park and I gave him a present that said Merry Christmas. He was confused, but opened it to find baby shoes and a positive stick. We were so happy but did not tell anyone but our priest at our annual May anniversary counseling session.

I went back to the RE to get an ok to dismiss and go back to my OB. I saw the heartbeat and was measured. The RE congratulated me and sent me on my merry way. 2 days later I spotted and woke up with bad cramps. 3 weeks later I ran into my ob at the gym and told him I was spotting. He checked me the next day and could not find a heartbeat. We cried. We went next door to the hospital for an u/s. The rotten tech would not tell us anything but I could tell there was no heartbeat. Doc scheduled me for a D&C. We cried. Again, we told no one. We even had company that weekend. Some people found out from church because they were nurses at the hospital so a few people heard we had m/c. I remember waking up from that and feeling so empty and sooo hungry. A few months later we were back to the RE and doing OPKs. Dh was tested again and was ok. We did the post-coital and it was ok. In January I had laparoscopy. It was the worst experience. I had to sit and wait forever in my gown watching the nurses fixing meds and kids crying, etc. Then I had to actually walk into the surgery room and get up on the table myself. It freaked me out. I could see all the instruments set up. When I woke up I was freezing! My temp was way down and the nurses just wanted to go home since it was a day clinic. They rushed me out of there all miserable and spacey and cold. I hate that place. Anyway, there was mild endo. RE corrected it and said it could have been a problem, who knows? I was still unknown dx. My mom came over to stay the night with me afterwards because dh had to go out of town. I finally told her that I had had surgery because of endo since it was obvious I was limping around. That was no surprise since my sister had it bad and ended up with a complete hysterectomy before 30 yrs, but she was so upset I had not told her. Anyway, that is all my family ever found out about IF.

I think this is when I found INCIID. I have never used the boards much except when I got pg. I was such a dunce about it all. I remember asking on the Due Feb board at the beginning why everyone was on meds. I was wondering if I should be on them too. We began researching adoption and alternative treatments at the same time. Dh and I were on fish oil ala Barry Sears. We received training in reiki energy treatments and did them everyday. Tons of people were praying for us even though we had not told them about our difficulties. They just must have known we were having problems. I was doing yoga and having massages. We were getting very frustrated so I started the adoption process. I found out about some babies that would be placed. I got really excited about a set of twins. I had a lady who had access to hospital records watching out for me a baby. I started painting the nursery. We decided to go on a trip back to our honeymoon destination in Mexico for our 5-year anniversary. I timed it during ovulation. We bd like crazy. I searched out fertility goddess statues. We went snorkeling to a spot where there was a fertility statue. We swam with the dolphins which was supposed to help with fertility. I just knew it would finally work!

But it didn’t. The next month we bd and then did reiki on my belly afterwards with good thoughts about spermies and eggs meeting.

And I knew I was pg. I was late but hid my charts from dh. I told him I was tired of temping and charting. He would always check it and get depressed along with me. I didn’t want to get his hopes up again. I took an hpt. Positive. I used another brand. Still positive. I tried so hard to not get so excited, but off to the ob I went for another test. Still positive. I gave dh a silver baby spoon in our pattern with the positive stick. RE did an u/s and I saw the hb. We still told no one. We waited all the way until August to tell family because we were so worried. The rest of the world did not find out until October. I still have not told out of state friends we had a baby; I just got in the habit of keeping it all secret I don’t even know how to tell them. I just saw some family I had not seen or talked with (because of family spats) in a couple of years. I was somewhat embarrassed to now have a 5 month baby and not have told them.

We prayed every day for a healthy baby. Dh has a genetic bone disease that I was so afraid my baby would get. There are different levels, with dh’s being minor. Extreme end is fatal. So I agonized over that. We got some extra u/s to check and never saw any problems, Thank God. Grayson has not been tested yet so who knows about that.

My pregnancy was rather uneventful. I used the baby beat all the time. I would have been out of my mind without it. I was too afraid to write in my journal that I might jinx things or not be able to finish it, so for many months I wrote in pencil.

I kept painting the nursery and enjoyed it as much as I could. We planned a natural birth and wrote out a plan. I was not ready for the birth and wanted to stay pg for as long as I could. Dh said baby would not come until I was ready. So he finally helped me finish painting the nursery walls and ceiling (it was a 10-month project and is still not finished, crazy I know). We finished at 11 pm on Feb 25. I was so tired. I crashed into bed at midnight and immediately had pains. I was unable to stay in bed so I got up. For the next 9 hrs I labored on the exercise ball. It was the only way I could stand it. I had dh help me make a cast of my belly at 4 am while I was bouncing on the ball. Dh finally got up to stay at 8 and got showered. We went to the hospital and they checked and I was already at 7cm. They rushed me into a room and I figured it would happen fast. Long story short, the doctor broke my water and made me push too early. So 26 hrs later my cervix was back to a 3 and contractions were waning. I never had meds and dh was a great coach. I finally ended up with an emergency c-section after Grayson was found to be facing head up instead of forward. I was so extremely distraught to have to go for the c-section. I know it was no big deal, but at the time I felt so cheated and so, so sad. Lying there waiting for the section was the first time I really thought I was about to be a mom. It was weird to know that in a few minutes my baby would be out. I finally in that moment accepted whatever situation I had and was ready for him to be born. Grayson came out and was pronounced a boy. I knew it in my heart. He was so beautiful and I was so happy to have him laid on my chest. I just knew all was well. I guess I was too tired at that point to know any different. I think I was delirious from being awake for 3 days.

He is such a part of us now I can’t even remember what it was like before. I was afraid I would get tired of having him 24 hrs a day. Now I know that those hours he is with me are blessings. I feel so fortunate to have him and my dh. I was ready to do it again right away. But now I am getting more chicken as the days go by. I just don’t know if I can tempt fate again. I also want to enjoy every moment I have with him. I love to have him sleep by me and nurse. I love to have him wake up and smile at me first thing in the morning. It was all worth it and now I tell that to everyone!

Back to Our Stories