Janine2: My Story .... finally! (m)Well, both kids are asleep so I figured now was as good a time as any to get my story done! It's really not all that exciting and I have not endured half as much as some of you have but here goes... DH and I met in 1983 (at age 15). We went to the same high school but didn't meet there, we met at work, an afterschool job. I don't know if I would call it love at first sight but there was definitely a connection between us from the first glance. We worked together, hung out together, were each other's confidant in matters of the heart for a few years (haha - he dated my friend, I dated his friend!) and started dating each other when we were seniors, 1984. He was my first and last real boyfriend. We were born in the same hospital one month apart. I literally smiled my first smile the day he was born - no kidding! We've been through everything together, he is the love of my life and I can't imagine existing without him. We went to college together, graduated in 1990, and got engaged in 1992. We married on 9/4/93. The happiest day in my life (up to that point!) We were not even thinking about kids at that time. In fact, when the priest was saying the thing about being blessed with children we kind of looked at each other like "Yeah, right! We've got some partying to do first!" So, we got an apartment and life proceeded on fairly uneventfully. I worked as a paralegal and DH was in finance. We spent every penny we made and just generally had a good time and enjoyed each other! Well, about 9 months into our marriage I had a mid-life crisis (at 26 years old!). I was bored at work and basically just hated my job. So I decided to go to law school. I started law school on my 27th birthday, 8/22/94. Kids were still the LAST thing on my mind. In the summer of 1995, after my first year of school, my grandmother passed away. She had alzheimers and had been suffering for quite some time. My mom had been caring for her at home. I have a big family, both immediate and extended, and we are all very close. In fact, my mom's parents lived above us in a two-flat my entire life and my dad's parents lived next door for most of my life. It was devastating to us all when my Grandma died. My dad gave a beautiful eulogy (sp?) about the importance of family, kids, etc. Now, let me just say that my dad can really give a speech, there was not a dry eye in the place, it was extremely powerful. My DH was really really touched but my dad's eulogy (he loved my grandma too and had known her for ten years, his only grandparent lived far away so my grandparents meant alot to him). After the funeral DH looked at me and said, "We need to have kids. I think it's time to start our family." I will never forget that moment or the look in his eyes for as long as I live. At this point, now Fall 1995, I'm about to start my 2nd year of law school. I had two more years of law school to go and we were beyond broke but I was ready for a baby. We timed things out (this is soooo funny to me now) so that I'd get pregnant in August and have the baby in May. That way, I'd be able to take 2nd year finals in May before the baby was born, have the summer off, and then be able to start my third year in August, blah blah blah. Lo and behold, I didn't get pregnant. Hmmm, that's odd. The months went by and I started to get kind of upset. Every month I was sure I'd get pregnant and rearranged my future accordingly. (I'm a control freak.) In the meantime, my SIL announces she's pregnant. Fast forward to June 1996 (my first planned due date) and her perfect baby girl is born. That was so unbelievalbly hard to take, to top it off she stole my girl name. I cried for days. Six months later I'm still not pregnant, she's pregnant with number two. Now it's 1996 and I'm starting my third year of law school and having to explain to everyone why I'm not pregnant. Of course I told everyone we were trying...STUPID...and it's been a year. Eventually I just said we decided to wait a little longer. In the meantime, two law school buddies get pregant, obviously they stole my idea! At some point, I can't really remember, I talked to my ob/gyn. I think it was mid 1996, early 1997. She does the usual workup and everything checks out fine. She puts me on clomid and we do time intercourse for about five months, nothing. In May 1997 I graduate law school, in July I take (and pass) the bar exam and in September I start a good paying job with great medical benefits -- IF is covered. We had been trying for over two years now. I am so ready for kids. I'm off to the RE at 30 years old. She does the usual workup. DH is fine. HSG is fine, lap shows mild endo, she fixes it. Tubes are clear BUT they are missing the little finger-things on the end. Maybe a problem, maybe not...who knows? Everything else is picture perfect. During 1998 we endure 4 or 5 attempts at injections plus IUI (I really can't remember how many). Every month was torture topped off with a BFN. Something told me that this was a waste of time and I did not want to do any more IUIs. I just knew they wouldn't work but the RE said she had to try a few before IVF. I hated it. At some point my RE made me take a month off because I was just an emotional wreck. In the middle of all of this we bought a house, DH lost his job one week later, my cat of 20 years passed away, and people around me just kept on getting pregnant - that was the worst part. You guys know how it is. Also, we didn't tell anyone we were going through this (my family still does not know my kids are IVF.) That made things hard because we were constantly concocting lies to cover up things like injection marks and bruises and doctor appointments etc. At the end of 1998, after trying for 3 years, my RE finally recommends IVF. I'm all for it, wanted to do it all along. In February 1999 I cycle. I produce 7 eggs, 5 were mature, 2 fertilize. Thank God I had no clue about IVF at this point. Sometimes ignorance is really bliss. Only two embies...how pitiful right? Not so! On February 22, 1999, I get the call of my lifetime.....I'm pg! Pregnancy was perfect! (Once again, ignorance is bliss-It never even occurred to me that there would be or could be a problem.) I had never ever ever been happier! My beautiful baby boy Jack Alexander was born at 11:16 am on Tuesday, October 26, 1999, the newest best day of my life! (Even after 17 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing.) As many of you can relate I was euphoric! I think I held him for the first year of his life, at least. For Jack's first year I didn't think about any more kids. My focus was on him and only him. I loved being a mom and I loved spending time with him. Right around Jack's first b-day, in the Fall of 2000, DH started talking about another baby. I was all for it but I was also kind of torn because I was still breastfeeding Jack and didn't really want to wean him yet. We eventually agreed we should start trying again and met with the RE in early December 2000. We decided to start the IVF process for a retrieval/transfer in February 2001. I had to wean Jack by Christmas, sniff sniff. I cycled in February and had five embies, all great quality. We put in two (we were really scared of triplets) and had no doubt at all that things would work. We started planning for the arrival of our twins - ha, when will I learn? BFN! Back to the drawing board. We were scheduled to cycle again in May/June 2001. In the meantime I found INCIID and became addicted to the IVF WR. How nice to do this with support! On June 1, 2002, the RE retrieved five eggs and on June 4, 2002, he transferred three embies. Ta da - it worked! I got "the call" on June 14th but already knew I was pg because I hpt'd the day before! Had another uneventful pg other than a couple bouts with subchorionic bleeding. This time around I got to share it with cyber-friends - how great! You guys pretty much know the rest of the story...most of you lived it with me. My beautiful Ava Grace entered the world at 8:32 a.m. on February 8, 2002. My girl! DH and I were thrilled! We had about 10 hours of bliss with our baby. The next morning at 6:30 a.m. the hospital ped came in our room to exam Ava. After a quick exam she asked us "Does anything about the way Ava looks concern you?" My heart started to pound in my chest. She went on to say that Ava "more probably than not" has Down syndrome. Well, all I can say is the earth just opened up and sucked us in. Life will never be the same. I think I'm going to stop here because for some reason this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be and I just cried one of my contacts out! I guess looking back on where I've been and ending up with where I am was a bit too much for me! The person I used to be just doesn't exist anymore and it makes me sad sometimes. I miss her, I miss being innocent. Please don't take this as my being "sad" about Ava. I haven't thought about Ava's birth in awhile and it's just catching me off guard. And it's hard to see twenty years of your life flash before your eyes! Hope I didn't bore you too much! |